Face Your Fears, Be Your Best Self

Many years ago, a two-star general asked me to speak at a conference for 800 U.S. Marines. I had never spoken to more than 30 people at once, and I really wanted to say no. Caught off guard, I said yes because I was flattered he viewed me as an expert. When the fear of speaking to a mostly male audience kicked in, I wished I could back out. My fear nearly paralyzed me, keeping me from a fantastic opportunity for growth.

My clients face similar challenges in their work. Making tough business decisions, communicating difficult news to their employees, or addressing toxic behavior can easily paralyze us into inaction. When I ask clients why they don’t address difficult situations earlier or differently, common responses are:

“I was afraid he’d be upset if I gave honest performance feedback, so I avoided it altogether.”

“I was afraid I’d alarm employees if I hinted that a business slowdown might result in layoffs, so I glossed over the truth instead.”

Or the most common one: “I was afraid I’d get fired if my boss knew what was really going on.”

Avoiding sticky situations can result in difficult consequences, some with long-lasting and expensive results. Leaders who lack honesty, trust, transparency, and the ability to conquer their own fears create less-than-ideal organizational cultures in which employees may become disengaged or disillusioned. They might even quit.

WHAT’S THE SOLUTION? FACING YOUR FEARS AND BEING YOUR BEST SELF.

THREE STEPS TO DETERMINE IF FEAR IS HELPING OR HURTING YOU

Have you ever felt your heart race when you were scared? When we face actual danger, our fear is a survival instinct that keeps us safe. At its worst, fear can paralyze us. The trick is knowing when fear is necessary to keep you safe and when it keeps you from moving ahead toward your dreams or living an authentic life.

The week before my presentation to the 800 U.S. Marines, I tossed and turned each night for hours, thinking of all the things that could go wrong. What if I trip and fall walking up to the podium? What if I fumble my words? What if my ideas are rejected? What if the Marines aren’t interested in what I have to say? When worried, the stories we tell ourselves are often far worse than reality. But our subconscious can spin all sorts of tales that get us worked up.

The night before my big speech, exhausted and sleep deprived, I finally paused to analyze the stories running through my head. These what-if stories were amping up my fears, so I decided to reframe the situation.

I have found these three tactics to be helpful. They can be used anytime you feel afraid to tackle a challenge:

STEP 1 - ASK YOURSELF: WHAT’S THE WORST THAT CAN HAPPEN?

When presented with a challenge, doing nothing has never been an option for me. It represents settling for less than what I want, need, or deserve. When fear creeps into the narrative in my head, the only way out of the downward spiral is to deconstruct and reframe the situation. I ask myself:

“What’s the worst that can happen?”

“Can I live with the possible outcome?”

“How likely is that outcome to happen?”

Asking these questions will give you a pro and con list or perhaps a decision tree filled with if-this-than-that scenarios and outcomes. This will give you the clarity you need to move forward with confidence.

For my speaking engagement dilemma, the process of reframing my fear went something like this:

• What if I bomb? If they don’t like my presentation, at least I’ll only bore them for 30 minutes instead of 2 hours. Surely, they’ll thank me for that.

• What if I get nervous and fumble my words? Solution: I’ll write “breathe” on my notecards to remind me to slow down so I don’t trip over my words.

• What if I don’t speak loud enough into the microphone? Since when has talking too softly been a problem? Good point; you’re right. Move on.

• What if I trip and fall on stage? Well, I guess I’ll have a funny story to tell once my bruised ego heals. Note to self: wear pants, just in case.

When the stories you tell yourself are all in your head, reframe the situation. Prepare for the consequences. Then act according to your risk tolerance.

STEP 2 - ASK YOURSELF: WHAT’S THE BEST THAT CAN HAPPEN?

Another option is to consider the best scenario. What will happen if you take control of your fear? I knew that if I conquered my fears and gave that speech to the Marines, I would increase my visibility to other leaders, elevate my reputation as an expert, and expand my network beyond what I imagined. The speech also boosted my confidence and willingness to step onto the stage again in the future.

Saying “yes” to things that scare you challenges you to stretch yourself, grow, and reach for opportunities that may not present themselves again. Conquering your fears can attract more positivity, open more doors, and create a higher level of happiness and confidence than you ever thought possible.

STEP 3 - WEIGH THE RISKS OF BEING FEARLESS

Let’s be honest. Being fearless is not all rainbows and unicorns. Sometimes the “con” list is longer or riskier than the “pro” list. Perhaps your challenge is letting your boss know what’s really going on with your team. Or sharing that a product might not be ready to go to market on schedule.

In some company cultures, being truthful and transparent might get you fired. If that’s the case, you might not want to ignore your fear’s warning signs. You’ll have to make some tough choices and weigh your risks. For example:

A: Do you speak up anyway and risk losing your job?

B: Do you keep quiet and see what happens because your team might just pull a rabbit out of a hat at the 11th hour?

C: Do you choose to look for another job because the company’s culture isn’t aligned with your values and you’re no longer willing to work for a soul-sucking organization?

Only you can decide if being fearless is worth the risk. Sometimes it will be, and at other times you might want to choose your battles and delay taking the plunge. How will it reflect on you if you do not follow what your gut tells you to do? Will you face long-term consequences? What is the tradeoff? Whatever you do, weigh the risks and make a decision instead of just wishing the challenge would go away.

FACING MY FEARS HAS ALWAYS PAID OFF IN THE END

Over my career, I’ve answered yes to all three of the questions above (A, B, and C) and I have had surprising results. I do not regret any decision. They all led to much better outcomes in the long run.

Once I told the truth when my CEO asked for “honest feedback” from an employee survey about executive leadership. I wasn’t concerned about sharing the feedback. It was my job to do so. I delivered the room-for-improvement results optimistically and focused on solutions while still being honest. The short-term outcome? I was unexpectedly fired two weeks later because I wasn’t “a good fit.” That was fun! I had not received any negative feedback the entire time I was with the company, so at what point I suddenly didn’t fit was a mystery to me. I suspect it was because I was the messenger of what others (including his direct reports) thought of the CEO’s leadership style, but I’ll never know for sure. While I was deeply hurt by the outcome, a new opportunity presented itself a few weeks later, which was ultimately a much better job in pay, leadership responsibility, and cultural fit.

Another time I reached the limit of my patience with another CEO, and I told him I had exhausted every solution to make things work. I wanted to talk about an exit strategy. When he asked why, I laid all the cards out on the table, listing my grievances and frustrations and providing examples to be as clear as possible. I had nothing to lose. After much discussion, he asked me to stay and help him be a better leader. Didn’t see that coming! I stayed.

HERE’S THE BOTTOM LINE: NOT EVERYONE LIKES HONESTY EVEN THOUGH THEY MAY SAY THEY WANT IT.

As an HR executive, I sometimes need to deliver difficult messages so that sound solutions can be implemented. If I can’t do this, I’m okay with being fired or leaving a job that doesn’t make space for honesty and integrity. It’s important for me to be my best self. And sometimes it pays off to speak my truth.

BE YOUR BEST SELF

The next time fear stops you from doing what’s necessary, like getting that college degree you always wanted, leaving an unhealthy relationship to find happiness elsewhere, pursuing a new job to advance your career, or having a challenging conversation, don’t run away or make excuses.

Be brave, bold, and fearless. Use the three tactics I’ve outlined above. Determine if your fear is real or if your imagination is clouding your judgement and ability to respond as you should. Weigh the risks and once you are prepared with strategies and solutions, take a leap of faith. You might surprise yourself with just how fearless you are. And once you become fearless, life becomes limitless!

About the author: Julie Jensen is the owner of Moxie HR Strategies. Contact Julie if you’d like to learn more about how to be determined, focused, and fearless.